Baby Blues and Everything Else....

So today was Layla's third day of Kindergarten. It was the worst day by far. She cried from about 7pm the night before until the minute I dragged her out of the car and forced her into a teacher's arms. I walked to the car holding back tears and let all hell break loose as I pulled away. I know she will be fine after a minute but me getting upset stirs up everything I've thought I've been dealing with. Apparently I've just been stacking all this stuff inside my head to freak out about on a later day. Great job dealing, right? I'm always having to hold myself together as to not upset everyone. LG gets upset when I'm upset and my grandmother completely worries herself to death thinking I'm going to slit my wrists in the bathtub. So I pile it all up in my mind and wrap some duck tape around it until it finally explodes out of me. So really my baby crying over going to school has little to do with why I've been sobbing uncontrollably for 2 hours straight. I was sick with my fibro all weekend. Hurt all over, hurt if someone even brushed against me. I was so tired on Saturday that I laid down after LG went to her grandma's and slept for 17 hours straight. I start to worry if I'm just being a pussy. I feel like having chronic illness makes me a bad mom. I start thinking of everything I do wrong. Maybe I should try harder to deal with it?!?!? I don't want to think my family thinks I don't love them bc I don't feel like even getting out of bed. It kills me. I don't want to live like this for the rest if my life.... The housework piles up, the bills....the bills....well there's a mountain of them always. I start to wonder if there's any point in even paying a fortune to see doctors who number 1, don't listen. Number 2 tell me there's nothing they can do.... I have a dream of just moving far away to some tropical island and becoming some crazy self sufficient family who lives like Robinson Crusoe. Completely cut off from technology, the Man, and everything that I curse everyday about this crazy life. Would that make me better? Probably not. Would I still be unhappy? Probably. My brain is wired, thanks to genetics, to find the worst in everything. I even panic about irrational things. Thats a whole different story. My mind won't ever just let me be. And my body, it's my own worst enemy. I've got a million things to be thankful for and I thank God for them every single day. But some days I'm too tired to fight the fight. Don't worry. I'll get this mess cleaned up before lunch time. I've got way to much to do to be sad all day. Happy Monday!