Friday, August 31, 2012

Unhappy When I'm Not

For years I have filled up notebooks with poetry, doodles and thoughts. At my lowest words flow out of me like a dam breaking. My hands can hardly keep up with my mind most of the time. I'm a passionate person, most people just call it over dramatic. Depression has been a part of my life forever. It's true what I've been told time and time again. I will never be happy. And this statement is different than how it appears to you. I have a wonderful family, I laugh everyday. I am happy in a sense. My mind is the thing that will always cripple me. I'm like Charlie Brown with a rain cloud over my head. It could be the best day of my life but yet my mind is always overshadowed with darkness, with rain. This is who I am. Even at the age of 8, when I first started dealing with the craziness that is depression, I knew that there could be no rhyme or reason for this hopelessness that I feel. It is always in the back of my mind. When things are bad, it consumes me. I am a lucky manically depressed person. I pretty much know I'm crazy and I've leaned to deal with it. Maybe it's the fact that I've been having these feelings for so long, as if growing up isn't hard enough. I cry over everything even when everything is going good, i accept this. I've known myself long enough to know this is just how I am. But, when things are going wrong or sometimes even going right, I Get the darkest thoughts. I mean the kind of thoughts that would land you at the cool table in a psych ward. I've learned to control myself and not act on these thoughts even without medication. How do I do this? What's the secret cure to severe depression? I simply just remind myself that I'm crazy. Yes, I'm very lucky because even though I can't control my scariests thoughts, I can let myself now that they are completely irrational.
My number one rain cloud thought has always been to run. I think this thought almost everyday, even when I'm insanely happy and content. It just pops into my head. Run, run far way from all the stress. Run from the bills, the cranky non-hubby, the ill child, from being sick all of the time. Never come back and you'll be happy. Then I preform my greatest talent. I take a deep breath and remind myself once again that I will never be able to escape myself, my mind. I laugh, then I cry and I move on. Thank God I can do this. Don't get me wrong, I would never leave my family. These type of thoughts come out of no where. I don't think them, some dark place in my mind presents me with this craziness. It's hard to understand but I don't come up with them. The same with suicidal thoughts. Yes, I have them. Yes, it can be the best day and here's this thought. To me it's bit a big deal anymore. When I was younger I was frightened by it but now I tell myself in crazy and move on to other crazy thoughts. I would never do it, I would never leave my family. I love them, they make me happy everyday and I have a good life. My brain is just wired wrong and it's always trying to tell me that life is considerably worse than it actually is. I'm not saying depression is easy or that getting over thoughts like these are easy for me or anyone for that matter. It's hard, it's harder than my all my physical pain and disease. These thoughts are haunting, make me feel out of control of my own mind and then there is the guilt that I would even have these things tucked away somewhere in my mind. It's hard, it's disabling. It never goes away. But I don't act on thoughts like these because I know that I'm stronger than this and have been bat shit crazy since I was 8 years old that I've known of. You may ask why I don't take medication. I've tried everyone out there, trust me. Antidepressants, mood stabilizers, nerve pills. I self medicated for almost 10 years. It always made me feel numb, fake, and just as hopeless. It just doesn't work for me. I remember like it was yesterday being 13 and deciding on my own to stop taking Prozac. I felt like I needed to cry. Crying is good for me, it a release. I couldn't. I felt as if my life was out of control, I was in a bad place. A good cry was the only thing that could help me relate to all my emotions and I couldn't cry. I was numb and I hated it. I don't want to not feel, I want to feel everything. I want to feel the pain because that is how I know I can deal with my feeling instead of just pulling the wool over my eyes. My mind can be a terrible place to live inside and some days are worse than others. But I live to cry another day. Everyday that I can deal with what my mind tells me, I get stronger. This is not for everyone. This is what works for me. Being someone who had lived with depression for 20 years I not found the cure but I've found a way to live my life. I will always be this person. I am happy, so happy but I will never not be depressed. I just have to keep telling myself, "you're crazy!!" and move on.

If any of you are struggling with depression....I'm here for you and I understand. Email me at
I will help you in any way I can.
There's nothing wrong with you.

Now the mania, that's a story for another day.......

Trails on the ground will tell you where I have been.
Where my heart has bled.
Rivers in the sky start flooding down.
Wash away the sun.
Drops are falling.
I take a breath.
The river is overrun.
Where is the precious sun?
I try to escape the rushing water.
It covers my mouth, my eyes.
Sweeping away my life.
Day by day.
The sky is falling.
It is taking me away.

Monday, August 13, 2012

Baby Blues and Everything Else....

So today was Layla's third day of Kindergarten. It was the worst day by far. She cried from about 7pm the night before until the minute I dragged her out of the car and forced her into a teacher's arms. I walked to the car holding back tears and let all hell break loose as I pulled away. I know she will be fine after a minute but me getting upset stirs up everything I've thought I've been dealing with. Apparently I've just been stacking all this stuff inside my head to freak out about on a later day. Great job dealing, right? I'm always having to hold myself together as to not upset everyone. LG gets upset when I'm upset and my grandmother completely worries herself to death thinking I'm going to slit my wrists in the bathtub. So I pile it all up in my mind and wrap some duck tape around it until it finally explodes out of me. So really my baby crying over going to school has little to do with why I've been sobbing uncontrollably for 2 hours straight. I was sick with my fibro all weekend. Hurt all over, hurt if someone even brushed against me. I was so tired on Saturday that I laid down after LG went to her grandma's and slept for 17 hours straight. I start to worry if I'm just being a pussy. I feel like having chronic illness makes me a bad mom. I start thinking of everything I do wrong. Maybe I should try harder to deal with it?!?!? I don't want to think my family thinks I don't love them bc I don't feel like even getting out of bed. It kills me. I don't want to live like this for the rest if my life.... The housework piles up, the bills....the bills....well there's a mountain of them always. I start to wonder if there's any point in even paying a fortune to see doctors who number 1, don't listen. Number 2 tell me there's nothing they can do.... I have a dream of just moving far away to some tropical island and becoming some crazy self sufficient family who lives like Robinson Crusoe. Completely cut off from technology, the Man, and everything that I curse everyday about this crazy life. Would that make me better? Probably not. Would I still be unhappy? Probably. My brain is wired, thanks to genetics, to find the worst in everything. I even panic about irrational things. Thats a whole different story. My mind won't ever just let me be. And my body, it's my own worst enemy. I've got a million things to be thankful for and I thank God for them every single day. But some days I'm too tired to fight the fight. Don't worry. I'll get this mess cleaned up before lunch time. I've got way to much to do to be sad all day. Happy Monday!

Wednesday, July 11, 2012

If life gives you lemons....

  Okay, I know I've only been a blogger for like 2 days and I've written several posts and I really haven't meant to sound so negative.  I am a very happy person.  I'm just going through one of those weeks or months (maybe years) where everything goes wrong and life gets you down.  I am so happy though.  I have the prettiest little girl in the whole world and she keeps me laughing all the time.  She's got my same crazy humor and lord does she know she's funny.  She'll say something and then give you that 'I'm waiting' face because she knows you're about to bust out laughing.  I could go on and on about her and what a blessing she is in my life, not saying that I don't want to pull my hair out a few times a day.  But I love her, I wouldn't trade anything in the world for her.  There are a lot of blessings in my life and I'm going to try to be more positive. Ready, set......go!

No Biebs Or Gaga In Our House!

We are music fans in our house. I think it's important to find a music that you love and that some how connects to your soul. I love how a song can make me feel happy or sad or that reminds me how in love I am with my significant other. My daughter has really come into her own as far as music lately and she's played 'Hot Blooded' and 'Hotel California' a million times on my phone. I mean she's even named after my fav Eric Clapton song. <3 Layla <3 We listen to a lot of classic and southern rock at home and especially in the car. We listen to quite a bit of country too because we do live in the south and it's kind of required. LoL Well I was a little surprised this Sunday when my 5 year old came home from playing with her older cousin and she was singing a Lady Gaga song. I don't even really know how I knew it was Lady Gaga but I did. What the heck? I looked up the lyrics to the song and I can't believe kids are walking around with this crap blasting in their ears. "Want your bad romance want your ugly, I want your disease want your everything as long as it's free want your loveLove, love, love, I want your love"Now I know that kids are not going to pick up on what songs really mean but I don't want my kid to be singing songs like this or teaching it to other kids! Yeah I guess me growing up with Charlie Daniels and Eagles wasn't exactly nursery rhymes but it wasn't some half naked girl singing about"bluffin with her muffin". So I've said my peace and though she might hear this crap other places, these little pop "icons" won't be played at our house. I guess I feel like I'm doing something right because Layla did ask me' "Who is Justin Bieber?" ha ha teeny boppers that's a win for this Mommy!!

But you don't look sick....

Honestly I wake up on most days feeling like I'm 90 years old. Fibromyaliga, an autoimmune disease and weird stomach issues mean that on most days I am in an unbelievable amount of pain. At only 28 I suffer from crazy things like bursitis in my hips as well as other aches and pains. Its terrible, it's depressing and a lot of the time its more than I can stand. What I pray for more than anything is understanding. I look fine, I don't look sick but everyday my body is attacking itself. I don't wish this on anyone. But sometimes I wish that if people around me could feel what I'm feeling for just one day just so they understand why somedays I don't feel like doing anything. I'm not lazy, not by far. No matter how hard I work i cant ever seem to keep up with everything myself. that's due to my tiny tornado child. Some days it's the hardest thing in the world to even get out of bed but hey, I've got a 5year old. I don't get sick days. I do complain, a lot. I wish I didn't and I annoy myself but I guess that's how I vent. I just want to be understood. I pray I could feel good, not great, just good a few days of the week and that people didn't just think I'm capable of picking up their crap everyday. I look fine most days and that's the most frustrating part because I feel like death. I don't expect my sweet baby to understand why Mommy needs a lazy day sometimes. I spend a lot of tears on wondering why she got a Mommy that doesn't ever feel good. But to other people, give me a break. I may look normal, I may look fine. On the inside though my body is a war zone and I'm doing the absolute best I can with the cards God gave me. Just saying....

Crying Over Burnt Hamburgers

After 3 hours of sleep that night I was ill as a hornet yesterday. I got up and cleaned up the same mess I awake to everyday from the non-husband's midnight snack dishes to the snot rags that landed 1 inch from the bathroom trash can and due to laziness never quite made it in. LG was insanely hyper and by dinner making time I was about to loose my mind. The non-husband says he was joking but he came into the kitchen out of his shower and said, " you're burning my burger!" Now that was it. Let me tell you that I'm a great cook. Not just self proclaimed but I've heard that I was all my adult life. It's in my blood. I inherited it from my grandma and have spent my life learning everything I can from her. My family are the most picky, annoying eaters in the whole world. Pretty much every night I have to make 3 different things. I don't really eat that much meat and Scout well, don't even say the words fruit or veggies. LG, she decides she doesn't like something one day and it's the only thing she likes another day. Not one day goes by that she doesn't ask for me to make her a million things to eat and then doesn't want any of it after the fact. Scout doesn't know what's good and is teaching LG, in my opinion, a terrible way to be. They both make up in their heads that they don't like something before even trying it. I'm not picky and I like a huge variety of foods, even weird stuff. I'm not picky but I don't want hamburger helper or bacon every single night. I certainly don't want a ketchup Sandwhich which is what the child wanted. Well anyways, I threw me a pan full of veggies in the oven and went to work on Scout's burger. He likes his meat charcoled. And then he's going to actually dip the crap that he rips apart (he says he's picking out the fatty pieces) into a pile, YES I SAID A PILE, of salt. But his burger tonight was burnt. I guarantee you if I had cooked it one second less it wouldn't have been done enough. So I slam stuff around and even though I know he's just weird, out came the tears. Then what does he say to soothe me?!?!? "you don't have to cook for me,ever." Well thanks for the appreciation sweetheart. Like nothing I cook is good enough for him just because he's as stubborn as an ass. I wrapped up burger an put it in the fridge and took me a brisk walk outside. When I came in, there he sits at the kitchen table eating the burger, perfectly content. Now couldn't he just keep his mouth shut to begin with? I couldn't sit down and eat with him because after all that I couldn't deal with the sight of him picking at his fried squash, another thing I made just for him. Frying vegetables is something I'm not good at. I never really ever fried a vegetable until I met him. I like them better cooked using healthier ways. I mainly eat healthy food. My figure doesn't reflect that but my hormone caused fatness is yet another story for another day. On this day I would just like to say, " sit down at the table, eat and shut the hell up. Have a good one.

Tuesday, July 10, 2012

Naps are also the devil

I mentioned in my first bog that fibromyalgia is the devil. This weird disease that can take me from feeling great one second to feeling like I just got hit by a train 2.364 seconds later. I hurt in weird places for no reason. I am insanely tired on some days and then can't sleep at night. Once you finally find a dr that believes this is a real thing then you can't convience him that some pains aren't 'oh it's just your fibro". That's a whole different story too though. Ok, back on track. Some days I really need a nap. Some days I'm so much of a zombie that I feel like I'm in a dream and trust me if eating someone's brains would help me snap out of it, I would. But unless I have someone watching LG (my grandma is pretty much the only sitter I have), naps are out of the question. LG can't do naps. Since she was one year old if she blinks her eyes and keeps them closed slightly too long, she is going t I be up ALL night. I mean all night. I have to fight to keep her awake even when she's tired and ill and screaming with snot bubbles flooding the floor. Until she was 4 she would be up half he night even if she didn't take a nap. 1am to 6am every night for years. Now at 5 she's pretty good at sleeping thru the night but NO naps!!!!! Take for instance today...she played with her cousins (more like pulled their hair out and scratched heir eyes out) all day and she was beyond cranky and exhausted when we got home from my grandma's house. I went to he bathroom for 5 seconds around 6 pm while she had one of those oh so addictive Disney shows on. 'Goodluck Charlie' or some mess that I find myself watching for forever free she has stopped. Weird. So I walk into the living room after , kid you not, 5 sec and she's got that nasty thumb in her mouth with her eyes wide open snoring. I don't know what your kids look like when they are asleep. I hope not anything like LG, she's downright scarey!!So needless to say at 12:30 I was threatening her with everything she holds dear. 1 am asleep, thank you Jesus!! 1:25 the slightest sound of thunder and I though I heard little feet. I never see her so I roll back over and try to go to sleep. Then BAM!! Up pops her at the foot of my bed like some scary movie and scares the poop out of me!!! So she bombs into bed right between me and the non-hubby. He gets mad and goes to sleep in her bed. 30 more minutes she back asleep but here it is 4:10 am and I'm wide awake and LG never sleeps past 8:00 am ever. I love my hold with all my heart, I really do. But naps at my house are the devil. And gosh am I going to need one tomorrow. Gnight y'all!!