Unhappy When I'm Not

For years I have filled up notebooks with poetry, doodles and thoughts. At my lowest words flow out of me like a dam breaking. My hands can hardly keep up with my mind most of the time. I'm a passionate person, most people just call it over dramatic. Depression has been a part of my life forever. It's true what I've been told time and time again. I will never be happy. And this statement is different than how it appears to you. I have a wonderful family, I laugh everyday. I am happy in a sense. My mind is the thing that will always cripple me. I'm like Charlie Brown with a rain cloud over my head. It could be the best day of my life but yet my mind is always overshadowed with darkness, with rain. This is who I am. Even at the age of 8, when I first started dealing with the craziness that is depression, I knew that there could be no rhyme or reason for this hopelessness that I feel. It is always in the back of my mind. When things are bad, it consumes me. I am a lucky manically depressed person. I pretty much know I'm crazy and I've leaned to deal with it. Maybe it's the fact that I've been having these feelings for so long, as if growing up isn't hard enough. I cry over everything even when everything is going good, i accept this. I've known myself long enough to know this is just how I am. But, when things are going wrong or sometimes even going right, I Get the darkest thoughts. I mean the kind of thoughts that would land you at the cool table in a psych ward. I've learned to control myself and not act on these thoughts even without medication. How do I do this? What's the secret cure to severe depression? I simply just remind myself that I'm crazy. Yes, I'm very lucky because even though I can't control my scariests thoughts, I can let myself now that they are completely irrational.
My number one rain cloud thought has always been to run. I think this thought almost everyday, even when I'm insanely happy and content. It just pops into my head. Run, run far way from all the stress. Run from the bills, the cranky non-hubby, the ill child, from being sick all of the time. Never come back and you'll be happy. Then I preform my greatest talent. I take a deep breath and remind myself once again that I will never be able to escape myself, my mind. I laugh, then I cry and I move on. Thank God I can do this. Don't get me wrong, I would never leave my family. These type of thoughts come out of no where. I don't think them, some dark place in my mind presents me with this craziness. It's hard to understand but I don't come up with them. The same with suicidal thoughts. Yes, I have them. Yes, it can be the best day and here's this thought. To me it's bit a big deal anymore. When I was younger I was frightened by it but now I tell myself in crazy and move on to other crazy thoughts. I would never do it, I would never leave my family. I love them, they make me happy everyday and I have a good life. My brain is just wired wrong and it's always trying to tell me that life is considerably worse than it actually is. I'm not saying depression is easy or that getting over thoughts like these are easy for me or anyone for that matter. It's hard, it's harder than my all my physical pain and disease. These thoughts are haunting, make me feel out of control of my own mind and then there is the guilt that I would even have these things tucked away somewhere in my mind. It's hard, it's disabling. It never goes away. But I don't act on thoughts like these because I know that I'm stronger than this and have been bat shit crazy since I was 8 years old that I've known of. You may ask why I don't take medication. I've tried everyone out there, trust me. Antidepressants, mood stabilizers, nerve pills. I self medicated for almost 10 years. It always made me feel numb, fake, and just as hopeless. It just doesn't work for me. I remember like it was yesterday being 13 and deciding on my own to stop taking Prozac. I felt like I needed to cry. Crying is good for me, it a release. I couldn't. I felt as if my life was out of control, I was in a bad place. A good cry was the only thing that could help me relate to all my emotions and I couldn't cry. I was numb and I hated it. I don't want to not feel, I want to feel everything. I want to feel the pain because that is how I know I can deal with my feeling instead of just pulling the wool over my eyes. My mind can be a terrible place to live inside and some days are worse than others. But I live to cry another day. Everyday that I can deal with what my mind tells me, I get stronger. This is not for everyone. This is what works for me. Being someone who had lived with depression for 20 years I not found the cure but I've found a way to live my life. I will always be this person. I am happy, so happy but I will never not be depressed. I just have to keep telling myself, "you're crazy!!" and move on.

If any of you are struggling with depression....I'm here for you and I understand. Email me at LaylasMommy26@gmail.com
I will help you in any way I can.
There's nothing wrong with you.

Now the mania, that's a story for another day.......

Trails on the ground will tell you where I have been.
Where my heart has bled.
Rivers in the sky start flooding down.
Wash away the sun.
Drops are falling.
I take a breath.
The river is overrun.
Where is the precious sun?
I try to escape the rushing water.
It covers my mouth, my eyes.
Sweeping away my life.
Day by day.
The sky is falling.
It is taking me away.

Baby Blues and Everything Else....

So today was Layla's third day of Kindergarten. It was the worst day by far. She cried from about 7pm the night before until the minute I dragged her out of the car and forced her into a teacher's arms. I walked to the car holding back tears and let all hell break loose as I pulled away. I know she will be fine after a minute but me getting upset stirs up everything I've thought I've been dealing with. Apparently I've just been stacking all this stuff inside my head to freak out about on a later day. Great job dealing, right? I'm always having to hold myself together as to not upset everyone. LG gets upset when I'm upset and my grandmother completely worries herself to death thinking I'm going to slit my wrists in the bathtub. So I pile it all up in my mind and wrap some duck tape around it until it finally explodes out of me. So really my baby crying over going to school has little to do with why I've been sobbing uncontrollably for 2 hours straight. I was sick with my fibro all weekend. Hurt all over, hurt if someone even brushed against me. I was so tired on Saturday that I laid down after LG went to her grandma's and slept for 17 hours straight. I start to worry if I'm just being a pussy. I feel like having chronic illness makes me a bad mom. I start thinking of everything I do wrong. Maybe I should try harder to deal with it?!?!? I don't want to think my family thinks I don't love them bc I don't feel like even getting out of bed. It kills me. I don't want to live like this for the rest if my life.... The housework piles up, the bills....the bills....well there's a mountain of them always. I start to wonder if there's any point in even paying a fortune to see doctors who number 1, don't listen. Number 2 tell me there's nothing they can do.... I have a dream of just moving far away to some tropical island and becoming some crazy self sufficient family who lives like Robinson Crusoe. Completely cut off from technology, the Man, and everything that I curse everyday about this crazy life. Would that make me better? Probably not. Would I still be unhappy? Probably. My brain is wired, thanks to genetics, to find the worst in everything. I even panic about irrational things. Thats a whole different story. My mind won't ever just let me be. And my body, it's my own worst enemy. I've got a million things to be thankful for and I thank God for them every single day. But some days I'm too tired to fight the fight. Don't worry. I'll get this mess cleaned up before lunch time. I've got way to much to do to be sad all day. Happy Monday!